Ranko Trifković
ORKISH CORNBREAD
The first record of Orkish Cornbread is found in the journals of warlord Ur-Agarish. The original document is lost in time, but a saying remains: "He who dodges the cornbread and sours the kraut, then cream his neck!"
Obtaining the Ingredients
The basis of every good cornbread is corny flour. It is harvested by the Giants of the Corned Hills. You will need to give the giants plenty of firewater. When they get wasted, steal the corn. But remember, the cornstalks are so gigantic, you'll need the help of seasoned Goblin lumberjacks. Also take care -- don't raise your battleaxe on a corn-tree. Barghrhazd the Impatient did so and died in his next battle. No one is sure why, but cutting a corn-tree is bad luck.
A small forest of corn yields eighty-seven and three-quarter sacks.
Take these to the Goblin blacksmiths. Tell them smash the kernels with their hammers for one year, and one-and-a-halfmonths. Next ship the corn to the Gribby miller named Milo for fine grinding. His mills are legendary for having ground the diamonds for the anklet of Queen Bulboulina the First.
The best Orkish Cornbread is made with the stale spiders’ oil you get from the cave Goblins' shamans. Do not pay the shamans. Take several barrels and swear on the mighty Waaagh that you owe them a favor. Don't fret, Goblin shamans eat crazy 'shrooms, so even if they manage to remember that you owe them, their requests are easy to fulfill as they always ask for more 'shroom-beer, 'shroom-whiskey and such.
Salt is obtained from the Salticious Caves. Visit them even if you don't need the salt for the cornbread. Salt caves are very good for the sinuses and help with hangovers.
You will also need ten barrels of mineral water. You can mineralize oridnary well water with ground basilisk knuckles, but the best is spring water from volcanic mountains.
The last and the most important ingredient is Dr. Orky's Muffinizer. This tasteless and odorless powder is made by wizards from crystalized farts of forest nymphs. Alas, these little missies rarely fart in volume, and wizards rarely keep the powder stocked, so you'll need to devise a cunning plan. First get a sack of flatulent fungi from the forest Goblins, then dry them well and grind them. Next pour the dried flatulated powder into the spring where the nymphs drink. When nymphs fly in, wait for them to drink deeply then catch them with the same type of net used for catching small dragons. Now rush to the nearest wizard's, while the tummies of nymphs swell. Even the grumpiest of sorcerors will gladly make the baking powder for you when they see what you have got. These dirty old men can't wait to get their paws on a female, even if it’s a thumb-sized nymph. Once the wizard has squeezed the farts and crystalized a hand-and-a-half of powder, you are finally ready to make your Orkish Cornbread...
Complete story at Words Without Borders
