The day I died, all time stood still

I had taken an overdose of pills.

My funeral was long,

They sang depressing songs

Which made me feel worse.

I specifically told someone

Happy sings only.

They don't know what

it's like to be smothered by the fancy pillows

they've placed in my box.

Pretty cushions, is this what they thought of me?

Yep! she's a cushion girl!?

It's cold in here, below the ground,

No one else to talk to,

I shall have to hum, quietly....

There is someone at my window, I saw the curtains move

Two beady eyes were watching me, they began to cry.

There is someone there behind me, I saw the way they looked.

Their eyes were full of terror, the ground beneath me shook.

There is someone standing next to me, they are lost and old.

I heard them weeping solemnly, there were weeping for thier soul.

I see your eyes light up in a laugh.

I hear your cheeky chortle.

Yoursound will be missed,

Your moustache with a wisp,

I will miss you dad

I love you.

Mums Eulogy Adriana Ispani 16-03-1947 To 12-07-2021

We will miss her hair smooth soft skin, her edge cutting wit,her cheeky grin.

 we will miss her wisdom and her love this beautiful being who was our mum

 so privileged to have had her be our guide

she has dropped her body like taking off a tight shoe

 But we will see you in the shadows see you in the light and

in our dreams

And we will love love love you.

Ti amerò finché l'universo non esisterà più 

If I have another part of me, not bound by skin, tissue, blood, brains or veins

Energy, or soul, then I hope it lives on amongst the stars.

I look forward to being able to fly, float and glide.

And if there is nothing, and our conscieness evaporates,

If it is just the end when we die, 

Then there's no more to be said.

Rumour has it, they know best.

The thing is, that's not true.

I know what I know and that is everything to me.

It does not need to be understood by anyone else.

It means a lot to me, but not so much to you.

I know who I am, I know what I need.

Leave me be.

Touch me and I scream

Move and I jump

My heart is not strong enough to

hold you near me

My son.

Silent witnesss

Blinded eye

Knows no sorrow

Cannot cry

Leave me here to dwell on life,

Thinking of what I know and wondering

how slow time goes.

In a house on fire, I sit.

Flames downstairs and rising.

Heat from under the door, soon I will be no more.

Smoke now entering through the cracks, door frame

consumed by smoke

Engulfed by dried out air

I sit without a care.

I don't know why I don't move.

Scream I cannot, no air left

My lungs are black.

My eyes feel heavy

stinging, they close.

I am aware now that I want to sleep,

Lie down

My eyesclose tighterand my throat too.

Relax, just relax, you've got this.

I dream, then nothing but warmth.

Into their hungry mouths I feed.

They clamber up the walls.

My flesh to them is a twiglight zone,

Entering and re entering

invading my soul, crushing my memories

until hey have eaten them all.

Eulogy

So full of words, things to say

Yet nothing comes out.

Speeches waiting to be written, rights, wrongs to preach

yet nothing.

A busy head with a thousand thoughts 

all screaming to get out!

A feeling of confusion, my head in over drive.

Less is more, or more is better

What to say

I mumble

I stumble

I cry.

Define Grief

Religious

Non-Religious

Deprived

Hard done by

Happy Soul

Unsure

Crying

Cannot cry

Empty

Happiness

Sorrow

Cannot go on without

Freedom to live without

Lost

Found

Wallow

Must not laugh

Give the best

Depths of despair

High as a kite

Confused

Delirious

Heart broken

Indifferent

I can understand them and their definitions

Therefore are they normal?

What if you do not fit a label or a box?

Are you still normal?

I think you are free.

Your Grief is yours and yours alone.

Always teaching

Always learning

Always feeding

Always needing

Life sucks us dry

Life fills us up

Constant energy expended

Tired

Stop

The end

Am having a manic day, the muse has jumped out of the walls and into me. 

It has filled my head with many ideas and they are all bursting to get out! 

Anyone else ever have these days?

 Although it seems like most days...sometimes it's tiring and draining but it's great when it comes out. 

That just helped too, sharing the thought of having the thoughts is quite a relief !

Aaahh i long for the silence.

My heart has melted into the midst of my bowels,

and you have dragged me into the pit of despair.Betrayal

The sound of dying

Ravaged sounds of baying wolves

engulf my mind.

Stretching it’s silence to the extreme edge

of darkness with searing sounds

like glass on jaggard glass.

I emptied the basket and found your head! 

I wondered where that thing had went? 

Normally it's in it's pride of place 

With the other taxidermied pets. 

Oh husband dear, how I lament 

that the laundry basket should have your head.

Dying

It felt cold,

They said i wouldn't feel a thing,

that it would pass by quietly, quickly,

 i'd to go to a better place.

But like a shiver down my spine. it hurt, sharp, short pains

like a knife in my back.

I felt faint, ill  as if it would never end.

They said i wouldn't feel a thing,

that it would pass by quietly, quickly,

but it didn't.

Death hurt.

Under siege

Underwater

drowning silently is a myth.

A tall story

with no end in sight.

Weary.

Wet

Sunken.

Follow the light

Falling towards the sun,

crashing into the pyramids of light.

with pounding wings that beat against the wind,

soaring higher and higher until entering and atmosphere of paradise.

Have I been here before?

Walking along an empty path

I am filled with remorse.

The trees are weak from the filthy air, I cannot breathe.

The wound is open,

it cannot be healed.

Open and throbbing, painfully aware of the pain.

It's stifling the atmosphere, it probes my mind,

and I think of a different time that has been.

Too soon it ended.

And again I am walking down an empty lane.

Dreams or Memories

Is it in my head?

I have a dream,

a reoccuring dream of a house on a street,

of a place where people meet to consume and converse

full of ideas and words.

They talk and talk

until everyone is done.

Then it ends and i wake

and the voices have gone.

Quiet, empty, spacious room.

Windows shimmering against the moon.

Darkness, eerie, something moves.

Countless nightmares I consume.

Coldness enters, shivers run and tears descend.

A shake, a twitch

your eyelids part and you are safe again in nature's arms.

Nonno

The graveyard now is silent,

the mourners have dispersed,

and yet I hear him calling me, but from death there is no return.

I stand here at his graveside,

and ask the question why?

but i know his suffering has ended,

I know he had to die.

And so i stand here thinking,

of all he meant to me and as i turn 

I smile at him and see him smile at me.

Sometimes you can come too close to the darkness.

It begins to engulf you ,

It changes your mood,

flattens your spirit.

Almost like a self hypnosis

a way of fooling ourselves.

A meditation or self suggestion.

We are all conjurer's

Stone yard

The graves are old,

The tomb slabs bent,

The autumn leaves are small and wet.

The graveyard silent, the birds dispersed

and all that's left is the cold brown earth.

The world is a lonely place

With humans rattling around in its space.

Between the darkness and the light,

I am not surprised that we fight.

Too much time on our hands,

We feel we have to fill.

But we should just be still.

Uncles Husband Died

Your heart has left you,
but his love stays close by.
Your sunshine, he warmed you from within.
No memories will be extinguished, he is in your bones and there he will stay until the day you die , then your energy's will be entwined.
For you had a love that lasts the test of time.

The process of dying is long and laboured  breathing is a chore and swallowing is a burden. In out stop in out stop  breathing fighting to breathe. Knowing the end is coming and reaching out for it... grip tight. Strength still in arms and hands....tightly holding on. Hold on tightly,  let go lightly.... namaste

I'm wearing a spacesuit,  designed by my parents, my peers, and my environment. 

It's a snug fit and it matters what it looks like, but sets the tone.  

One day I will shed my spacesuit and all its expectations. 

One day I will be free to float amongst the stars, 

Home again once more.